women & porn addiction, women & same-sex attraction

Not Just a Man’s Problem…

Do you think any of the women in your church look at porn? I think you’d be surprised at how many of them may. Pornography is such a taboo subject within the church, let alone approaching the subject of women doing this. So many women who are striving to follow Jesus are trapped in the web of pornography.

Maybe you don’t believe me. Maybe you’re already making judgments about that type of person. Well, you already know one who was trapped in it a few years ago…

Me.

Several years back, I found myself trapped. I was trying everything I could to break free from it. I was a born-again believer, who was following Jesus the best I knew how. I was also happily married. So, how did this happen?

Before I got saved, I got myself involved in a lot of things I never should have.  Pornography was one of them. My ex-husband would rent porn movies, and I just eventually started watching them with him. I somehow thought it was harmless, and I didn’t realize that I was doing so much damage to myself or how this would affect my future in countless ways.

Years later, when I was happily married to my husband, I found myself looking at porn online. I was trapped. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t think I could ever tell anyone. You always hear of men dealing with this, even sometimes Christian men, but very rarely women. I have since learned that women deal with this issue too. Many of these women are Christians, too. Shocked? Since writing about this topic, I have received many emails from Christian women telling me that they also dealt with being trapped in pornography.

I always thought I was the only one.

I have since learned that one of satan’s main tactics is to make you feel like you’re the only one who deals with certain issues in your life. Let me tell you that you’re not the only one!  Christian, or not, you’re not the only one.

What I’ve learned since then is that women primarily start looking at pornography from an unmet emotional need, or even stumbling across it online and looking out of curiosity.  Some women look for an escape from their daily lives, others use it to numb themselves from emotional pain. Then, after awhile, the reason they started turns into something entirely different and becomes a horrific trap.

It’s really hard to get out of that trap without telling someone. When all of this was going on with me, God specifically tapped me on the shoulder one day and told me to confess to my husband  what I had been doing. In a way, I felt relieved. I didn’t want to carry such a huge secret. It was literally killing me inside. On the other hand, I was terrified of what he would do. I didn’t want him to leave me, but I knew he would be incredibly hurt.

My husband gave me so much mercy that day, even in the midst of his pain. While I was looking at that porn, I was committing adultery. Anyone who is involved with this has to realize that:  If you’re married and looking at porn, you’re committing adultery. That’s how God sees it all. God is a merciful God, though, and He forgave me when I truly repented. My husband forgave me, too.

I remember that I felt like I should be punished, because forgiveness shouldn’t be so easy…at least that’s how I felt. I had truly repented, though, and both Jesus and my husband knew that. Don’t get me wrong…it has taken some time for my marriage to heal, but our relationship is better now than it’s ever been.

After talking to our pastors about it (which was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done), we decided to subscribe to Covenant Eyes. It’s an internet accountability software program that keeps track of all of the websites that are viewed each day. It’s set up so I’m automatically signed in each time the computer is turned on, and I (or anyone using my computer) am not able to even get online unless I’m signed in to Covenant Eyes. I would recommend Covenant Eyes to anyone, and it will especially be good for us as our children are getting older.

Maybe you’re reading this, and you are trapped in the web of pornography. I keep calling it a web, because once you start, it’s so easy to get tangled up in it and unable to get out – despite your best efforts and desire to stop.

If you are one of those Christian women (or men) who are stuck in this sin, I encourage you to talk to someone about this. Talk to your pastor if you’re able to. If not, find a Christian counselor you can talk to. Sometimes it’s easier to talk with someone you don’t know as well. If you’re a woman dealing with this, you can also email me, and I can help steer you in the right direction if you need help. I know what it’s like.

So, do I still deal with the temptation to look at pornography?  I still get tempted like anyone else at times, but it’s different now. I’m cautious when I’m tired or feeling lonely, and I am very careful about what I look at.

For instance, I have learned to be very careful about how I word my searches online.  There’s a lot of junk out there, and it can be put into just about any word search I use. I just need to be careful (as anyone should be, because there’s just so much out there). I tell you this, because I want anyone who may be stuck in this to know that there is help out there, and there is a way out. That doesn’t mean you don’t need to be cautious in the future, though. Keep leaning on Jesus, and He will always show you a way out!

I wrote this post today in hopes that it would somehow get to the people who need it. I am so thankful that Jesus has delivered me from this. It may be hard to tell on this blog sometimes, but I am actually quite a private person! I have the courage to write this blog only with the knowledge that I have Jesus as my Savior and hope that it will help someone else.

I’m so thankful for the support of my husband, family and pastors, in doing this, also. I thank you for supporting me as I write on my blog and share how Jesus has delivered me and is still delivering me. I do all of this in hopes that it will help free someone else.

*I caution you that not every Christian counselor, pastor or other leader understands this issue, and my concern is that someone will confess this to a person who reacts judgmentally or critically. If that happens, please do not give up. Please pray about who you will divulge this information to and wait for God to show you who to talk to. We serve a God who delivers us! I am living proof.

Thank you, Jesus, for the freedom that you provide for us. The more I become like you, the more I experience the freedom that You have for me! I ask that You help anyone struggling with this sin to confess it to a mature Christian who can be trusted. Remind them they are not the only ones, and show them the way out. Thank you, Jesus. In Your name I pray, Amen.

9 thoughts on “Not Just a Man’s Problem…

  1. Dear Amy…
    im so relieved to find this blog..
    im a married Christian woman and love Jesus immensely..
    I need to talk to u as im trying very hard to get out of this terrible sin..
    can u please help me?

    thank u for ur blog

  2. ur a very brave person for writing about this…the thing is that when we sin, and especially watching porn which has been likened to being addicted to crack, there’s a snare from the devil that lets demons in. sexual sin is hard, fornication, adultery, and we need to guard our eyes and renew our mind. i recommend some of steve arterburn’s books, i think he has one for women called “every woman’s battle”.

    the bible says, “flee fornication” (or nay other sexual sin)1 corinthians 6:18, and we do it by not playing around w/ it because our mind and spirit are willing to obey God and not sin, but NOT our bodies! our bodies have a “mind” of their own, which is why christian unmarried couples shouldnt be alone together that much, and we definitely should guard what we watch or read. God made our bodies this way so we would procreate and we have to know just how susceptible we are to it. we are not robots and cant control ourselves as much as we think! God bless u

  3. Dear Amy,
    Before anything else, THANK YOU. This was such a comforting and correcting post. I really thought that I was the only one. I’m a YP Leader who has honestly just started dealing with this temptation and sin. It started this year, and come to think of it, my struggle started when I was faced with tough circumstances. I am the type of person who is normally bubbly and optimistic. I never show nor tell anyone that I am lonely, not because I am afraid to look vulnerable but because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, I didnt want anyone to worry. Yes, I just realized that this struggle started when I felt so numb and lonely because I couldn’t acknowledge my true feelings and emotions. This was such an eye-opener on how tricky satan really is, he attacked my blind spot. I really want to get through this but I don’t know who to talk to–I do not believe in coincidences and I just praise God because He lead me to your post, I know that this is most definitely step 1 in breaking free from this struggle. I will most definitely apply your tips in getting through this struggle. Thank You JESUS for speaking through you and for blessing you with the boldness and courage for transparency. I am truly blessed by the words of our Heavenly Father through you. I am both convicted and comforted! Thank You JESUS for this purging season 🙂

    Blessed Love,
    Koko

  4. Dear Amy
    Thank you so much for your candid and heart warming post. It’s quite clear that you have written this out of love to help many who are struggling in this area. I thank God for you and pray that He continually strengthens you in every way.

    God bless
    Ravish

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