women & same-sex attraction

How to Find Accountability as a Woman Struggling with Same-Sex Attractions

When I first started seeking help for a pornography addiction several years ago, I ran into some very awkward situations. It’s awkward having to admit you have been looking at porn in the first place; but the shame you can feel admitting you are a Christian woman who has been watching lesbian porn can feel like the worst thing ever.

Almost every online search I made revealed resources for men only. These resources helped a little, but they left me feeling like even more of an oddity than I already felt like in the first place. How could I have a man’s problem? Considering I had been watching lesbian porn, this only compounded the fear that I was the only woman on the planet who struggled in this way.

I eventually found a resource for women, and I joined their online group where we could discuss our struggles with porn and find accountability with one another. It was a safe place for women to share their struggles and temptations, so they shared them in detail. It was an incredible resource, but there was one huge problem for me…

I quickly found out that being in a group with other women sharing specific details about their struggles with porn and masturbation was a huge trigger for me.

Outside of looking at porn itself, that was one of the worst places I could have been. For the first time ever, I knew I wasn’t alone in my struggle with pornography; but I quickly realized I could not be in that particular group. It was stirring up constant temptations for me. I felt so incredibly isolated and alone. I felt too much shame to explain this to anyone, so I just quietly left the group. (If I could do that again, I would have talked to the organizer and explained what was going on with me, but I didn’t do that.)

My husband and I had Covenant Eyes installed on our computer, and I made him my accountability partner. This meant he received a report each week of every website I looked at. This ended my searches for pornography, because it horrified me to think that he would see exactly what I was looking at. While my pornography use stopped, it did not stop what was going on in my heart and mind. I had no idea how much I lived in a fantasy world until I tried to stop. I quickly realized I didn’t need  pictures or to watch scenarios online. They were already in my mind, and I didn’t need any help constructing any new scenarios on my own, either.

I did not know who to talk to about my struggle. I felt such shame, and I didn’t feel safe talking to anyone. I wasn’t looking at porn anymore, but the fantasies I had running through my mind seemed impossible for me to stop. I had female friends I could have told, but I was too mortified to tell them I was struggling with thoughts of being with another woman. The fantasies I had concerning other women were not something I felt like I could admit to any of them.

I knew, even if I could be honest about it up front, I wouldn’t reach out for help when I was tempted. I was afraid of being rejected and misunderstood. I didn’t want my friends to feel unsafe around me. I actually remember thinking I would be much more comfortable confiding in a man, (even though I knew I couldn’t do that) because I knew a man would understand the thoughts that ran through my mind and the temptations I was facing. This left me in quite a predicament.

Are you a woman struggling with same-sex temptations and/or lesbian porn? You may be in a similar predicament.

One verse I have found to be a great reminder of the importance of confessing our sins to someone else is James 5:16:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

We each need to have someone in our lives who we can be honest and transparent with. Sexual sin and sexual temptations can carry such shame, but it is vital to have someone you can be honest with.

Are you tempted to look at porn? Have you fallen into the trap of watching porn, and you haven’t told anyone? Maybe you have never watched porn, but you deal with fantasies that continually run through your mind about someone of the same sex? You want to stop but don’t know how.

We were never meant to battle sexual sin and temptation by ourselves. Strongholds grow in the dark, and the very act of confessing our sins to someone else is powerful. (I wrote a post about the importance of this here.) What do we do when we don’t know who to talk to, though?

A couple of years after I stopped looking at porn, I started confiding a lot of my struggles with someone who later became a mentor of mine. She is a woman who is about 20 years older than I am. I found it much easier to talk to her about my temptations, because she was not my age. I still felt vulnerable sharing what I did with her, but not in the same way I would have with a friend my own age. Looking back, I really wish I would have confided in her sooner. I hadn’t been looking at porn for quite awhile, but the fantasizing aspect of it all continued. I can’t help but wonder what a difference it would have made if I just would have reached out sooner. This is why I encourage everyone struggling in this way to look for someone wise and trustworthy that they can be transparent with.

She not only listened to me, but she continually challenged me to look for a way out of the temptations, because God always provides a way out. She continually challenged me to be transparent with Jesus. She encouraged me when I fell, but continually reminded me who God made me to be. This helped me more than I can say.

Do you know an older woman you may be able to talk to? Maybe you are pretty sure that she has never looked at porn or had same-sex attractions. That’s ok! Is she someone you see as trustworthy, wise, and compassionate? She may be someone you can talk to. Pray and ask God if she is someone you could confide in. You don’t need someone who can fix you (only God can do that) but someone who is wise, compassionate, trustworthy, and someone who will pray for you and continually point you to Jesus.

Maybe you would rather choose a friend your own age to talk to. This is wonderful if you have someone trustworthy who would be able to hold you accountable. Please make sure it is not someone you are attracted to, though. Sharing your temptations and vulnerabilities with a friend you are attracted to is a recipe for disaster. As another word of caution, maybe you are not attracted to the friend you start to confide in, but if the closeness built by talking about your struggle starts to become a gateway of temptation for you, please be careful. Preserve your friendship by taking a step back, and see if there might be someone else you can share your struggles with.

Something else you can do is keep your eyes open for any groups for women who struggle with sexual sin and temptations. I am starting one up in my area soon through my church in partnership with Harvest USA. (You will want to check their ministry out!) As a way to guard the hearts and minds of all women in the group, graphic details of each other’s struggle will be avoided. Groups like this provide an excellent opportunity for women to be transparent, accountable and will give help to identify the idols and motivations behind their sexual sin.

More important than anything I have already mentioned, God wants you to talk to Him about your temptations and struggles in this area, too. It is so helpful to have another person to confide in, but the Holy Spirit is always with you. He is with you now! For a few years, I was never able to talk to God about the temptations I still had towards pornography. I figured the last thing He would want to hear was the difficulty I had not fantasizing in my mind about other women. Honestly, I thought He hated me for it. Little did I realize, He wanted me to talk to Him about all of it.

At first I wrote what I was dealing with in the format of a letter, and I would read it out loud to Him. After that, it got easier. I started to discover that as I shared my struggles with Him, the shame started to fade a little more each time. I started asking Him what it was I was really craving, (which turned out to be intimacy with Him) and I would ask Him to show me how He could fill that place in my life. Slowly but surely, I was being set free.

If you are a woman struggling with lesbian pornography and/or same-sex temptations, I want to encourage you. Jesus has done a lot of work in my life and heart, and He continues to do so. For the longest time, I felt like the walls around me were so high, and I was afraid of my own thoughts. I felt corrupted, especially by all of the porn I had watched.

As I mentioned earlier, for the longest time I couldn’t be in a group with other women talking about their temptations without becoming tempted as well. Years later, I now have this blog. I receive emails all the time from women concerning these issues, and it is not a struggle for me anymore to listen to other people’s struggles and temptations. This is now years down the road for me, but it’s not what I ever thought was possible. I cannot take any credit for it. This was truly Jesus healing my heart, but I stayed on the path even when it was extremely difficult. I let people speak difficult words into my life, even when I became angry at them for doing so. They did it in love, so I eventually received it for what it was.

I kept going, and you need to keep going, too. Where you are now is not where you are going to be if you keep your focus on Jesus. Pray, read His word, and know who He made you to be. If you are reading this and need someone to help keep you accountable, I am praying that God shows you someone wise and trustworthy you can confide in. I’m also praying that you are able to confide all of this to Jesus. He loves you more than anyone and is the one who can heal your heart and set you free.

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2 thoughts on “How to Find Accountability as a Woman Struggling with Same-Sex Attractions

  1. Thank you for writing this! I have been feeling so overwhelmed & isolated by this struggle with SSA. I’ve wanted to share my struggle with someone that I trust, but the shame is too great and as you wrote, I too am afraid of being misunderstood and rejected. I want my friends to feel safe around me. This was cathartic. It’s been a year and a half since I’ve noticed these SSAs…just praying for healing and strength to overcome this struggle.

    Thank you again.

    1. Hi Lea,

      Yes, I completely understand where you are coming from. You may be surprised at the reaction your friends may have if you told them (or just one of them). You could “test the water” by disclosing just a little at first, if that helped. I have often found that when I open up, others tend to feel safe in telling me things they have never told anyone else, either. I will pray for you to find the right person to talk to! ~ Amy

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