Years ago I found myself completely absorbed in a fantasy world. To look at me on the outside, everything was fine. I grew up believing my behavior around others was more important than what was actually going on inside of me. I started turning to pornography and fantasy to alleviate all of the pain going on inside of my heart (which caused more pain and turmoil). No one ever suspected what I was doing, including my own husband. I had many unresolved parts of my past that had seemingly caught up with me all at once.
I had spent years trying to ignore the attractions I sometimes felt for other women. The kind of porn I was looking at (lesbian porn) only intensified those feelings, and I was trapped. I thought I was alone. I didn’t know any other women who dealt with this, and I didn’t know how to tell anyone what I was going through. Who would I tell, anyhow? I didn’t have any close female friends, because I held them all at a distance. The only friends I had were always my mom’s age. That was safe. I still couldn’t talk to them about what I was going through, because I thought, “How could I possibly tell another woman that I am looking at lesbian porn?” It felt way too threatening.
I had a very difficult time praying about this, even after I finally confessed this to my husband and pastors. I kept hearing that God wanted to fill this place in my heart, but how can God fill a place in my heart that craved intimacy with another woman and pornography? How do you talk to God about looking at porn? I didn’t know how to talk to God about wanting to be with another woman. I didn’t know how to even make the words come out of my mouth. I felt so much shame. I couldn’t make the connection (and didn’t want to). It just seemed wrong…
Do you have anything that you feel is just “too much” to talk to God about?
Maybe your struggles are nothing like mine. Chances are, they are pretty different. What is that one thing you are uncomfortable talking to God about? For many of us, it is something from our past. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something sinful, but maybe even something that caused us so much pain, we don’t know how to even express it. After all, if we start talking about it with God, what if the pain remains too intense and never subsides?
Some of you may be angry with God. Tell Him. It is ok to do that. I grew up not really knowing how to express myself to God at all. My ideas of needing to behave in a certain way around others applied to my relationship with God as well. He knew what was in my heart, but I surely wasn’t going to admit it to Him.
I came to a point where I had so much bubbling up inside of me, that I poured my heart out to God in my journal, and I eventually gathered the courage to read it out loud to Him. I talked about all of the things that were unmentionable up until that point. Something broke in me that day. I didn’t know what it was yet, but part of the wall I built between myself and God began to crumble.
I had tried for years to change myself, and I did it while hiding from God. I wanted to fix myself before I felt I could truly approach Him with an open heart. Little did I realize was that God didn’t expect me (or want me) to fix myself. He just wanted me. He wanted to heal my heart. He wanted me to stop trying to figure out why I was drawn to women and pornography, because that wasn’t really the root of the problem, anyhow.
I just feel it in my heart to include some of what I wrote in that journal entry that one day I mentioned above. It may seem pretty intense, but that’s because I was desperate, and it was that intensely desperate cry to God that started to break the wall down that was holding me captive. For me, talking to God about sex was mortifying and felt really wrong. I now know that talking to Him about the deepest areas of my heart was vital for my healing.
“Lord, God, I don’t know how to do this. I have such an ache inside of me, and I’m starting to finally realize maybe it really can only be filled by You. I don’t know how this is. I don’t understand it at all. The need and ache I feel doesn’t seem to fit who You are. How could you fill a need inside of me that seems so unrighteous? It seems so unholy, sinful and wrong. Perhaps it really does have nothing to do with sex, and I’ve just sexualized it somehow. If that is the case, then I know You can fill this void.
I have such an ache inside of me. It’s an extreme ache that never goes away. I have tried to fill it with sex, pornography and fantasies. That never worked. It came pretty close at times, but it didn’t work for very long. When that didn’t work, I tried to dull it. That works for a little while, but it always comes back. It comes back stronger each time. Now is one of those times. I don’t know what to do with all of this inside of me.
My soul aches for a connection that I can’t seem to find anywhere. If this is something I can have with you, I need to find it. I need to know it. This terrifies me. I am so uncomfortable and have no clue what I’m doing or how to do this. This need inside of me is consuming me now. It’s consuming my thoughts and I need to know what intimacy with You looks like. What does it feel like? That terrifies me to even say it. But at the same time, I feel a glimmer of hope.
I feel scared, because I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what this will all look like. I know I have more wounds in my heart that need healed, and perhaps You haven’t healed them yet because I wasn’t ready. They run so very deep. Show me how to do this. I give my heart to You. I give my soul to You. Actually, I guess I need to give You all of me. This is a need that consumes all of me. My whole being. I have always been one who feels so deeply. I feel love so deeply (even though I’ve guarded my heart against it so much), and I feel pain so deeply. I believe You must have created me this way. I want to know You more. Show me how to love You more. As scary as it is for me to ask, please show me what intimacy with You really is. Thank you, Jesus.”
It is now a few years down the road since I wrote this, and I can finally say I know what intimacy with God is. It is amazing, and nothing on earth comes close to it. He does fill those needs I was afraid He couldn’t possibly fill. The more transparent I am with Him, and the more I trust Him with my heart, the more I experience intimacy with Him.
I encourage you to pour your heart out to Him. Yes, it can be very difficult sometimes. Push past the fear and shame, and find the intimacy you were created for. This is the kind of intimacy that will fill you up to overflowing. It will be more than enough to fill those places that crave intimacy, to heal your heart, to bring you what you’ve tried to find everywhere else. Give Him your heart in a way that felt too vulnerable before. He will not let you down.