Since originally posting my testimony on this subject, I have received several e-mails from Christian women who have also dealt with homosexual/bi-sexual feelings over their lifetimes.
This is not something that is widely talked about within the church, and I’m beginning to realize that it affects so many women’s lives. No one talks about it, and this makes it even more shameful for the women dealing with this. It’s one thing to deal with this before becoming a Christian, but it’s an entirely different thing to deal with these unwanted thoughts/feelings after you become a Christian! I know that I walked around for so many years feeling like there was something wrong with me, and that I was the only one. I never knew that other Christian women had dealt with this in their lifetimes (even after they became Christians). The thought of me being the only one who has dealt with this was what kept this bondage so strong for me throughout the years. A friend of mine mentioned her struggles with this, and it ministered to me so much. She had no idea at the time what I had been through. Her story is what started to break this bondage in my life. I have also talked to another woman I know who had a similar experience. Like I mentioned in my earlier posts about this, keeping this a secret is one of the things makes this bondage so strong. When it’s let out into the open, the grip it has on a person’s life starts to loosen.
I wanted to share a testimony I received in an e-mail (with her permission) of a woman who struggled with the same thing for many years. She is now a Christian woman who is married with 2 children. This is her testimony…
“Sometimes, because you have something missing in your life, you do things to compensate. That’s what happened to me.
I am a 22 year old woman who has been saved since I was eight years old. Over the past 7 years, my life has been slowly going downhill due to circumstances all around me: my mother being diagnosed with anorexia/OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) / major depression, the “loss” of my father through his withdrawing from our family, quitting college because of depression, endless relationships with men that ended in tragedy. I remember for some time, due to the influence of my mother, I was very conscious of my weight and appearance. I always looked at the girls around me, comparing myself to them. Somehow, through the constant viewing, comparing, looking, I found myself becoming interested in women.
I remember, at college, “having” to watch the Ellen “coming out” episode. At that time, I had NO IDEA that I had homosexual feelings, but something was at work within me, and it was a dangerous thing. I left school after 1 1/2 years due to major depression. I could not concentrate in school, and there were two guys that I had dated that went there, and I couldn’t take the stress.
When I returned home, something inside me made me post an ad on the Internet. I met *Sarah, a lesbian not too far from me. She was looking for someone too, like I was. I had never had a homosexual experience, and quite frankly, never considered one. I can’t tell you exactly what made me “discover” my feelings for other women, but it was evident. And I didn’t want to ignore it. She brought me to a gay bar, where, over the past 2 1/2 years I have spent my life. I have dated various women there, and ended up dating someone very seriously. I moved in with her after 3 months of dating, and lived with her for about four months. I was ABSOLUTELY convinced that I was gay. The Bible was wrong; I even found myself searching for books on the acceptance of Christianity and homosexuality.
During this period of my life, I cared for no one but myself. I did drugs (cocaine, XTC, pot, mushrooms), did a considerable amount of cigarette smoking, drank continuously. I was so depressed. I was so anxious. And I was so away from God.
I don’t know if it was the people praying for me, or God Himself, reaching out to me in His mercy, but one day I had decided to leave the lifestyle – and the club, which I had made my home. I knew EVERYONE there, and we were all a “family.” I decided that on that night, I would bring my girlfriend to the bar and tell her that I could not see her anymore. I proceeded to get very drunk, knowing that I couldn’t handle it sober. And, I sat down with her in a small booth in the back of the restaurant. There, I told her that I could not see her anymore, and that I needed time to think. This was one of the scariest things that I had ever done in my life. I was giving up my lover, my “family” and all of my friends…and I had to trust God…but would he deliver me?
Tears streaming down both of our faces, I could not believe, at that moment, what I was hearing. The gay bar doubled as a dance club on Saturday nights, and it was a Saturday. Out of haze, in the midst of my drunkenness, I heard the Jars of Clay song, belting through the speakers, melting my heart:Lift me up, when I’m falling…Life me up, I’m weak and I’m dying…Lift me up, I need you to hold me…Lift me up, to keep me from drowning again…
God came to me that night. God heard me, even in my wretched sin. God heard me plead for the life I once knew, and He came to me that night, in the form of a song, bolting through me like lightning. Since then, I have never been the same.
I can proudly say, now, that I have a wonderful relationship with a Christian man. We encourage each other all the time in Christ. For a long time after all of this occurred, I struggled continuously with my lust for women. I truly believe that it was I choice I MADE to bring this sin into my life, and now I am paying the consequences for lost and loved friends, a woman who I hurt very badly due to my selfishness, and lust. Yes, I do still lust, but God is in control! When I feel this way, I PRAY. When I don’t feel that way, I pray. And, I can honestly say, that God HAS supplied all of my needs. Trust me friends, homosexuality is not your answer. Trust in the Lord, and he will deliver you, like he delivered me.” - Joycelyn. age 22